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39 Funny Eddie Murphy Quotes Author: Dosis Von Lustig Author: Quotes ,,,
eddie-murphy-graze-nuts

These funny Eddie Murphy quotes will have you not only laughing, but thinking. Eddie Murphy is an American comedy icon. He's been around forever, and he has created some of the greatest characters and scenes in comedic history. He's seen the comedy landscape evolve and these funny Eddie Murphy quotes range from things that will make you laugh, but also think. He's been in an interesting position, being one of the most famous black actors in America who became an icon before the advent of the Internet while still staying relevant long after the world wide web changed the way movies, TV and even print are consumed. So, enjoy these funny Eddie Murphy quotes!

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I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

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I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

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There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherf*cking ice cream truck.

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Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

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If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

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Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And f*ck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

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Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

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White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.

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My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...

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Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

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I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.

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Eddie Murphy: White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthaf***as." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

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She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

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[Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.

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[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the f*** out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherf***er too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

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Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

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Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll f*** up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

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Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

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I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

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Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And f*** you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

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Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherf***ers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would f*** somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherf***ing cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, ni***r, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

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(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much motherf***in' flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this shit no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut the f*** up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long ass acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the motherfuckin' award and go!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut the f*** up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that shit, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and shit, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, motherf***er!'

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Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy...but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.

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You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what the f*** James is talkin' about!

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I haven't read a newspaper in 20 years. I don't look at the computer or anything. You have to have a filter on what you let in.

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I love The Beatles.

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I keep telling people I'll make movies until I'm fifty and then I'll go and do something else. I'm going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

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I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

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I only want to do what I really want to do; otherwise, I'm content to sit here and play my guitar all day.

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I'd like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I'll do that before I'm thirty.

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Making movies is time-consuming and it's boring. You spend most of your time waiting between takes. It's like a big machine that moves slowly.

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Growing up, I liked all the stuff that everyone else was listening to, like Motown, but the biggest group of all was The Beatles.

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If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it's 'so what,' too - it's on to the next movie.

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I'm the artist when I'm doing music that I am when I'm acting. I'm everything.

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After all these years, I've done well and I'm cool. I feel comfortable in my skin, I've saved some paper, everybody's healthy, my kids are beautiful and smart, doing different things, it's all good.

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I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it.

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There's this little box that African-American actors have to work in, in the first place, and I was able to rise above that box. I could have done a bunch of movies where I stayed as the Axel Foley or Reggie Hammond persona. But I didn't want to be doing the same thing all the time. Every now and then, you crash and burn, but that's part of it.

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Ultimately, when I go back to the stage, I want to be able to do everything. I want to be able to do music and comedy and all that stuff; that's what all this stuff is leading to.

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Well, that's it. We hope you enjoyed this list of funny Eddie Murphy quotes and check back for more funny quotes and one liners from comedians and movies at DoseofFunny.com!

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39 Funny Eddie Murphy Quotes

eddie-murphy-graze-nuts These funny Eddie Murphy quotes will have you not only laughing, but thinking. Eddie Murphy is an American comedy icon. He's been around forever, and he has created some of the greatest characters and scenes in comedic history. He's seen the comedy landscape evolve and these funny Eddie Murphy quotes range from things that will make you laugh, but also think. He's been in an interesting position, being one of the most famous black actors in America who became an icon before the advent of the Internet while still staying relevant long after the world wide web changed the way movies, TV and even print are consumed. So, enjoy these funny Eddie Murphy quotes!
I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
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I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my lions.

There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that sh*t from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherf*cking ice cream truck.

Is it just me, or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?

If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And f*ck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.

Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.

My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.

Eddie Murphy: White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthaf***as." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

[Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at] And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.

[imitating Richard Pryor] You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the f*** out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherf***er too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll f*** up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And f*** you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...

Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherf***ers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would f*** somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherf***ing cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, ni***r, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""

(About Stevie Wonder) I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago. I said, 'Look, Steve, I get too much motherf***in' flak over this impression. I don't like doin' it, I ain't doin' this shit no more.' Stevie said, 'Well, I feel that...' I said, 'Shut the f*** up, Steve.' 'Cause you've gotta cut Steve off, 'cause if he get a roll goin' he'll talk your ears off! You ever see Steve win a Grammy and go up and give one of them long ass acceptance speeches? They say, 'And the winner is Stevie Wonder!' Stevie be goin, 'I'd just like to say...all the people in the world today...God's children...' 'Look, just take the motherfuckin' award and go!' 'Cause the credits be rollin' and Stevie be up there goin' 'And I'd like to thank...' I be in the car, I just said 'Shut the f*** up, Steve. I'm tellin' you, you a genius and all that shit, but you my boy, man, we hangin', man. It's nice and shit, but I don't appreciate all the flak. And personally, the piano and the singin' and all that, I told you how I feel about singin' man, I ain't impressed. You wanna impress me, take the wheel for a while, motherf***er!'

Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good lookin' guy...but ain't the most masculine fellow in the world.

You don't even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. 'Cause James Brown's been singin' 30 years. I don't know what the f*** James is talkin' about!

I haven't read a newspaper in 20 years. I don't look at the computer or anything. You have to have a filter on what you let in.

I love The Beatles.

I keep telling people I'll make movies until I'm fifty and then I'll go and do something else. I'm going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

I only want to do what I really want to do; otherwise, I'm content to sit here and play my guitar all day.

I'd like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I'll do that before I'm thirty.

Making movies is time-consuming and it's boring. You spend most of your time waiting between takes. It's like a big machine that moves slowly.

Growing up, I liked all the stuff that everyone else was listening to, like Motown, but the biggest group of all was The Beatles.

If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it's 'so what,' too - it's on to the next movie.

I'm the artist when I'm doing music that I am when I'm acting. I'm everything.

After all these years, I've done well and I'm cool. I feel comfortable in my skin, I've saved some paper, everybody's healthy, my kids are beautiful and smart, doing different things, it's all good.

I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it.

There's this little box that African-American actors have to work in, in the first place, and I was able to rise above that box. I could have done a bunch of movies where I stayed as the Axel Foley or Reggie Hammond persona. But I didn't want to be doing the same thing all the time. Every now and then, you crash and burn, but that's part of it.

Ultimately, when I go back to the stage, I want to be able to do everything. I want to be able to do music and comedy and all that stuff; that's what all this stuff is leading to.

Well, that's it. We hope you enjoyed this list of funny Eddie Murphy quotes and check back for more funny quotes and one liners from comedians and movies at DoseofFunny.com!

 
« Back to Eddie Murphy Profile
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