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50 Greatest Dad Jokes Ever Author: Dosis Von Lustig Author: Funny Jokes Quotes
dad jokes greatest ever funny

Dad Jokes are a wonderful new term for those terrible jokes that all dads tell. You know the ones we're talking about. When you were young and brought a girl over the for first time and your dad lays out a super corny dad jokes. Of course dad loves his dad jokes and thinks he's being hilarious. But, everyone else is just rolling their eyes. Here are the 50 Greatest dad jokes of all time.

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1. Me: I just found a home for a bunch of dad jokes on the Internet and they're great. Now everything you say will be my fodder.
Dad: I'm already your fodder. And over there, [pointing to my mom] that's your mudder.

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2. Last Christmas we were buying a Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter asked my dad if he was going to put it up himself. And my dad said "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room.

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3. Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor.
Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano?
Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days.
Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

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4. How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?
Leans in close, takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs: WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?

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5. I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(

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6. I'm laying in bed reading a book when my dad walks in with a tape measure.About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
He responds: "I'm measuring your patience."

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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7. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth - its pasteurized before you even see it.

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8. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

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9. Dad: Is there any tattooists in town?
Me: Fairly sure there is one guy about 10 minutes out...?
Dad: Oh good! 'Cause I want him to tattoo a rabbit on the top of my head.
Me: ..Why...?
Dad: 'Cause then someone might mistake it for a hare!

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10. My dad suddenly walked up to the mirror. He then continued to say "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Table table over there. Sofa sofa near the lamp."

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11. My Sister complained that her office was cold... And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees.
She was not as amused as he was.

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12. My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair.
Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while?
Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you!
Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.

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13. We were baking two cakes for a friend. My mum asked me to check the temperature of the recipes. I put my hand on one of the recipe books and said: "Hmmm, feels to be about room temperature".

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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14. What do you call a Greek baker who refuses to grow up?
Pita Pan

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15. Dad: Things have been off lately. I think I might have developed ADHD.
Son: Oh no! We need to get you to a concentration camp!

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16. My girlfriend was trying some lotion out and apparently it's all nice and smooth and organic and erotic.
"Honey, it's like it's not even lotion!"
"Wow, you're right. It must be odd lotion."

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17. I must have dreamt about mufflers last night, because this morning I woke up exhausted.

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18. Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he?
Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand.

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19. Me: Hey dad, I wonder how good this knife would be for cutting hearts?
Dad: Why?
Me: Because, then it would be a superior vena carver
Dad: Well, aorta get one.

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20. Sister: Man, my ear is ringing.
Dad: Then answer it!

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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21. If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get missile-toes?

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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22. Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

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23. Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

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24. A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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25. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

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26. I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

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27. "What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs."

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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28. What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel.

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29. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto.

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30. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

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31. I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

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32. What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

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33. Velcro... What a rip-off.

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34. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

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35. "My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful."

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36. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

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37. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

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38. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

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39. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

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40. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

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41. Where's the bin? Dad: I haven't been anywhere!

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42. Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad.

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43. Me: "Hold on, I have something in my shoe"
Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's a foot."

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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44. Friend's Wife: I wonder if its really hot in there for the baby?
Me: It's likely womb-temperature.

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45. My younger sister was throwing one of her teenage tantrums, and she shouts at my dad, "Well sorry for being born!" My dad looks her in the eye and says, "it's all right, just don't do it again."

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46. My sister is in the kitchen going over a practice test for a class. Says something along the lines of "I've never seen so many dumb mistakes"
Dad without hesitation, "have you seen the family portrait?"

Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

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47. After sexy time last night, my gf goes "why do you always like my nipples so much?". I responded... "because without them your boobs are pointless". I died laughing and she sat there batting her eyelashes at me in disbelief.

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48. Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys.
Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys.
Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees.
Me: Oh my god.

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49. If you take a cigarette out of a cigarette packet, what does it become?
A cigarette lighter.

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50. I'm a dad and I was paying for my groceries when...a university student was packing her overflowing backpack with her own purchases. She got everything in, except for a baguette and a bunch of leeks, the latter sticking out of her pack through an opening in the zipper.
I just couldn't help myself.
"Your backpack is leaking".

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Thanks for reading our hilariously bad dad jokes. Hope you enjoyed them even if you aren't a dad! And if you have one of your own favorite dad jokes, please submit them to Dose of Funny!

Check out more funny jokes. 

50 Greatest Dad Jokes Ever

dad jokes greatest ever funny Dad Jokes are a wonderful new term for those terrible jokes that all dads tell. You know the ones we're talking about. When you were young and brought a girl over the for first time and your dad lays out a super corny dad jokes. Of course dad loves his dad jokes and thinks he's being hilarious. But, everyone else is just rolling their eyes. Here are the 50 Greatest dad jokes of all time.
2. Last Christmas we were buying a Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter asked my dad if he was going to put it up himself. And my dad said "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room.
2/50

1. Me: I just found a home for a bunch of dad jokes on the Internet and they're great. Now everything you say will be my fodder. Dad: I'm already your fodder. And over there, [pointing to my mom] that's your mudder.

2. Last Christmas we were buying a Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter asked my dad if he was going to put it up himself. And my dad said "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room.

3. Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor. Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano? Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days. Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

4. How do you sell a deaf man a chicken? Leans in close, takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs: WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?

5. I got a new phone for Christmas today and while playing around with it I misplaced my old phone and couldn't find it anywhere. I asked my dad to call me so I could find it by sound. All of a sudden he starts yelling my name and then shoots me a shit eating grin and says, "what? You told me to call you." But before he even had a chance to laugh at his own joke my grandpa (his dad) yelled across the house, "he wanted someone to call his phone, not him!" Then proceeded to yell, "Phone!!! Phone!! Where are you!?" Then both of them busted out laughing while I sat there still with no phone :(

6. I'm laying in bed reading a book when my dad walks in with a tape measure.About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" He responds: "I'm measuring your patience." Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

7. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth - its pasteurized before you even see it.

8. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

9. Dad: Is there any tattooists in town? Me: Fairly sure there is one guy about 10 minutes out...? Dad: Oh good! 'Cause I want him to tattoo a rabbit on the top of my head. Me: ..Why...? Dad: 'Cause then someone might mistake it for a hare!

10. My dad suddenly walked up to the mirror. He then continued to say "Mirror, mirror on the wall. Table table over there. Sofa sofa near the lamp."

11. My Sister complained that her office was cold... And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees. She was not as amused as he was.

12. My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair. Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while? Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you! Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.

13. We were baking two cakes for a friend. My mum asked me to check the temperature of the recipes. I put my hand on one of the recipe books and said: "Hmmm, feels to be about room temperature". Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

14. What do you call a Greek baker who refuses to grow up? Pita Pan

15. Dad: Things have been off lately. I think I might have developed ADHD. Son: Oh no! We need to get you to a concentration camp!

16. My girlfriend was trying some lotion out and apparently it's all nice and smooth and organic and erotic. "Honey, it's like it's not even lotion!" "Wow, you're right. It must be odd lotion."

17. I must have dreamt about mufflers last night, because this morning I woke up exhausted.

18. Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he? Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand.

19. Me: Hey dad, I wonder how good this knife would be for cutting hearts? Dad: Why? Me: Because, then it would be a superior vena carver Dad: Well, aorta get one.

20. Sister: Man, my ear is ringing. Dad: Then answer it! Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

21. If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get missile-toes? Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

22. Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."

23. Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

24. A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts. Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

25. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

26. I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.

27. "What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs." Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

28. What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel.

29. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto.

30. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

31. I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

32. What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

33. Velcro... What a rip-off.

34. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.

35. "My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful."

36. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

37. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

38. What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

39. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

40. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

41. Where's the bin? Dad: I haven't been anywhere!

42. Dad I'm hungry' ... 'Hi hungry I'm dad.

43. Me: "Hold on, I have something in my shoe" Dad: "I'm pretty sure it's a foot." Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

44. Friend's Wife: I wonder if its really hot in there for the baby? Me: It's likely womb-temperature.

45. My younger sister was throwing one of her teenage tantrums, and she shouts at my dad, "Well sorry for being born!" My dad looks her in the eye and says, "it's all right, just don't do it again."

46. My sister is in the kitchen going over a practice test for a class. Says something along the lines of "I've never seen so many dumb mistakes" Dad without hesitation, "have you seen the family portrait?" Keep clicking for more hilariously bad dad jokes.

47. After sexy time last night, my gf goes "why do you always like my nipples so much?". I responded... "because without them your boobs are pointless". I died laughing and she sat there batting her eyelashes at me in disbelief.

48. Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys. Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys. Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees. Me: Oh my god.

49. If you take a cigarette out of a cigarette packet, what does it become? A cigarette lighter.

50. I'm a dad and I was paying for my groceries when...a university student was packing her overflowing backpack with her own purchases. She got everything in, except for a baguette and a bunch of leeks, the latter sticking out of her pack through an opening in the zipper. I just couldn't help myself. "Your backpack is leaking".

Thanks for reading our hilariously bad dad jokes. Hope you enjoyed them even if you aren't a dad! And if you have one of your own favorite dad jokes, please submit them to Dose of Funny! Check out more funny jokes. 

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