Publisher Profile

Follow Us:

The 75 Epically Amazing George Carlin Quotes Author: Dosis Von Lustig Author: Quotes
george-carlin-quote-life

George Carlin quotes are some of the most revered, epic quotes in the history of comedy. Not only will they make you laugh, but they will make you think, and also get angry. Why do we have 75 George Carlin quotes here? I don't know, we could have found a lot more, but we have things to do. (Actually, we don't.)

[Quote]

75. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

74. It is a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

73. When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

72. Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

71. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest:
"If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."
"Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

[/Quote]

[Quote]

70. I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

69. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

68. The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

67. Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

66. All music is the blues. All of it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

65. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

64. This country has only been around for 200 years, and we've already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we're good at it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

63. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

62. I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

61. If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

60. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

[/Quote]

[Quote]

59. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport; hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

58. The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

57. The first time I heard "carry on," I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

56. Things you will never hear: "Dad, you really ought to drink more."

You're reading some of the best George Carlin quotes ever.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

55. She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

54. If it ain't broke, break it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

53. Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

52. I think the best home security system of all would be the one that locks the burglar inside his own house.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

51. George Carlin Quotes: Happened like that, overnight, I became a sun worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

50. He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

49. I think they should have a hotline that never answers, for people who don't follow advice in the first place.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

48. Every time you're exposed to advertising in America, you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High quality, grade-A, prime-cut pure American bullshit.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

47. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

46. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

45. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

44. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

43. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

42. George Carlin quotes: Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

41. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

40. I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

39. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

38. It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds f*** the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

36. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

35. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

34. You know what you never see? A really good-looking homeless couple.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

33. George Carlin quotes: If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

32. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

31. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showin' up at those jobs.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

30. Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

29. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

28. Michael Jackson missed his calling. If he had become a Catholic priest, he could have spent thirty or forty years blowing all the little boys he wanted, and no one would have said a word.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

27. There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

26. You know what's good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don't have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

25. The wrong two Beatles died first.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

24. Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

23. George Carlin Quotes: I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

22. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

21. Did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here." Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their f***in' cookies?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

20. The mayfly only lives one day. And sometimes it rains.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

19. Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

18. The House of Blues should be renamed to 'The House of Lame White Mother****ers!'

[/Quote]

[Quote]

17. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

16. Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

15. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

12. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

11. Here's something you never hear a guy say: "Stop sucking my dick, or I'll call the police!"

[/Quote]

[Quote]

10. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

9. Do pilots take crash-courses?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

8. The best thing about living on the seashore is that you only have assholes on three sides.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

7. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

5. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

[/Quote]

[Quote]

4. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

[/Quote]

[Quote]

3. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “F*** waffles.”

[/Quote]

[Quote]

2. Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place?

[/Quote]

[Quote]

1. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

Thanks for checking out these very awesome George Carlin quotes. Check our comedy section for some of the best content on all the comedians from past and present. Or just read these George Carlin quotes all over again. We're cool with whatever.

[/Quote]
« Back to George Carlin Profile

The 75 Epically Amazing George Carlin Quotes

george-carlin-quote-life George Carlin quotes are some of the most revered, epic quotes in the history of comedy. Not only will they make you laugh, but they will make you think, and also get angry. Why do we have 75 George Carlin quotes here? I don't know, we could have found a lot more, but we have things to do. (Actually, we don't.)
75. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
1/75

75. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

74. It is a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.

73. When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

72. Health tip from the American Medical Association: Never pour corrosive chemicals on your testicles.

71. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach." "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

70. I'd hate to be an alcoholic with Alzheimer's. Imagine needing a drink and forgetting where you put it.

69. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

68. The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

67. Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

66. All music is the blues. All of it.

65. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

64. This country has only been around for 200 years, and we've already had 10 major wars. We average a major war every 20 years in this country. So we're good at it.

63. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

62. I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.

61. If you had yourself cloned, who exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you'd be driving yourself to school.

60. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

59. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport; hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.

58. The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

57. The first time I heard "carry on," I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board.

56. Things you will never hear: "Dad, you really ought to drink more." You're reading some of the best George Carlin quotes ever.

55. She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

54. If it ain't broke, break it.

53. Don't you think it's funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?

52. I think the best home security system of all would be the one that locks the burglar inside his own house.

51. George Carlin Quotes: Happened like that, overnight, I became a sun worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning.

50. He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

49. I think they should have a hotline that never answers, for people who don't follow advice in the first place.

48. Every time you're exposed to advertising in America, you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution and marketing of bullshit. High quality, grade-A, prime-cut pure American bullshit.

47. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

46. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

45. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

44. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

43. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

42. George Carlin quotes: Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.

41. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

40. I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

39. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

38. It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds f*** the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

37. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

35. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

34. You know what you never see? A really good-looking homeless couple.

33. George Carlin quotes: If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

32. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

31. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showin' up at those jobs.

30. Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

29. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

28. Michael Jackson missed his calling. If he had become a Catholic priest, he could have spent thirty or forty years blowing all the little boys he wanted, and no one would have said a word.

27. There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

26. You know what's good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don't have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

25. The wrong two Beatles died first.

24. Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

23. George Carlin Quotes: I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.

22. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

21. Did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here." Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their f***in' cookies?

20. The mayfly only lives one day. And sometimes it rains.

19. Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

18. The House of Blues should be renamed to 'The House of Lame White Mother****ers!'

17. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

16. Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

15. There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

12. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

11. Here's something you never hear a guy say: "Stop sucking my dick, or I'll call the police!"

10. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

9. Do pilots take crash-courses?

8. The best thing about living on the seashore is that you only have assholes on three sides.

7. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

5. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

4. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

3. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “F*** waffles.”

2. Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place?

1. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? Thanks for checking out these very awesome George Carlin quotes. Check our comedy section for some of the best content on all the comedians from past and present. Or just read these George Carlin quotes all over again. We're cool with whatever.

« Back to George Carlin Profile

We Like These