By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.- Socrates Funny Quote
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.- Douglas Adams Funny Quote
Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?- Anonymous Offensive Funny Quote
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.- Miles Kington Funny Quote
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.- Anonymous Funny Quote About Cats and Dogs
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.- Dave Barry Funny Quote
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”-Anonymous
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.- Lana Turner Funny Quote
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.- Steve Martin Funny Quote
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.-Robert Bloch
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.-Mark Russell
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.- Oscar Wilde Funny Quote