Harland Williams, Fred Randall in Rocket Man: I’m 30 years old. I’m almost a grown man. Harland Williams, Fred Randall in Rocket Man: Fun is my Chinese neighbor’s middle name! Harland Williams, Fred Randall in Rocket Man: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT! His name is my name too! Harland Williams, Fred Randall in Rocket Man: It reminds me of a French Canadian tennis racket, stuck to the back of a Venus snow-goon, bubbling out of my sister’s Brazilian donkey – I don’t think I can make myself any clearer! Harland Williams, Russell
Police Academy 4, Zed: People just don’t understand me. Police Academy 4, Zed: No, I mean who I am. Man, now I have to worry about my diction too? Police Academy 4, Zed: Gene, Gene made a machine, and Joe, Joe made it go. Art, Art blew a fart and blew the whole damn thing apart. Police Academy 4, Zed: It’s getting to the point now when I’m with you, I no longer want to have something stuck in my eye… Your mother, my mother ain’t never looked like Florence Henderson…
Louis CK quotes can be a guide to how to lead your life. Louis CK is one of the greatest comedians in the comedy game today and is making himself one of the most important comedians of all time. Between his show Louis on FX, his appearances in movies and his epic stand up archive, he has a collection of some of the best quotes since George Carlin. Sit back, relax and let the life lessons of these Louis CK quotes wash over you. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It’s bad to like jerk
Winston Churchill had a lot of important quotes that still ring true today, but this Churchill quote about the arts is especially relevant.
Marijuana and funny jokes. If you enjoy these two, then hang on because we have 18 Doug Benson Funny Quotes. I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by
The greatest minds at Dose of Funny have gathered and voted on the best Adam Sandler movie quotes or sayings. #17 – You Don’t Mess With The Zohan – Dalia, I don’t know how to tell you this. I cannot make sticky with anyone else. #16 – Mr. Deeds – I can’t run a company… I can’t even run my own life! #15 – Big Daddy – I had a mother lined up for him, but she’s bangin’ the Pepperidge Farm guy and the kid won’t stop peeing and throwing up, he’s like a cocker spaniel #14 – Happy Gilmore
George Carlin quotes are some of the most revered, epic quotes in the history of comedy. Not only will they make you laugh, but they will make you think, and also get angry. Why do we have 75 George Carlin quotes here? I don’t know, we could have found a lot more, but we have things to do. (Actually, we don’t.) 75. If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? 74. It is a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat. 73.
Richard Pryor is one of the funniest comedians of all time. So we’re going to give you some of his funniest and most poignant quotes and jokes of all time. Some of these were when he was looking back on his life. Others were some from his act. This is a hodge podge of Richard Pryor quotes being honest, hilarious and sometimes both. 18. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers. 17. I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb Funny Quote
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.-Caroline Rhea
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.-Albert Einstein
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.-Rita Rudner